Getting a Divorce

Divorce is hard. It is hard on everyone and there are certain aspects of divorce that are predictable and inevitable.

Intense emotions are an unavoidable part of the process. When children are involved in a divorce, those emotions tend to skyrocket, often leading to high conflict and deeper wounds. But, this is not necessarily an aspect of divorce that is outside of your control.

First of all, divorce is a process and not an event. Too often, divorcing parents get focused on the magical date when the divorce will be final. In fact, the intensity and depth of emotion often pushes people to rush through the legal process in an effort to escape the pain. Unfortunately, racing to a quick settlement frequently means regrets and bitterness.

The legal process of divorce is adversarial in its structure. When attorneys enter the picture most couples are at a distinct disadvantage in terms of communication, consideration, cooperation, and healthy negotiation.

I believe many divorcing couples could negotiate a more successful and satisfactory settlement if they slowed the process down significantly, and waited to seek legal counsel after a considerable cooling off period. But, more often than not the addition of a legal advisor dramatically alters the relationship of divorcing couples, and there is one primary reason: feelings.

If you polled a large segment of the divorced population and asked them what emotion was most prevalent and caused the most problems in their divorce, you would likely get the word anger more than any other. While anger is certainly a common and often intense emotion that causes problems in divorce, looking a bit deeper will reveal another feeling that dominates the process.

The formula for anger is Fear + Hurt + Frustration. The hurt divorcing parents experience is obvious to everyone and understandable. But, the not so obvious feeling that drives a lot of behavior in divorce is fear. You know the fears I am referring to right? Fear of failure, fear of abandonment, fear of powerlessness, fear of being alone, these are some of the most powerful and often overwhelming feelings anyone experiences in divorce.

Unfortunately, these feelings are frequently ignored and even unrecognized leading to problem behavior. Never underestimate the power of fear in a divorce. In fact, I believe fear is the number motivator of problem behavior of divorced parents.

What is the number one fear expressed by divorcing parents? Losing their children. All the fears mentioned earlier tend to influence behavior as well, but none have the power of the threat of losing a child.

No one wants his or her child to decide to spend more time with the other parent. No one wants to be replaced by his or her ex-spouse’s new love interest. No one wants to be excluded from his or her child’s life.

When you think about it, it is obvious that fear plays a huge role in almost every aspect of a divorce involving children, and yet we tend to over look it or ignore it.

I suggest that parents attend to that fear in their ex-spouse. That’s right, address it and you have the potential to alleviate the fear, and in turn reduce behavior that is driven by it. Simply letting your ex know that you have no intention of taking the children away from him or her can make a huge difference in the long run, but too often those fears are instead reinforced through words and actions.

Stress to your ex that it is important to you that they remain very close to your children and that it is your desire to help that relationship to grow. Alleviating your ex-spouse’s fears could make a huge difference for your future communication and can significantly reduce conflict.

Divorce

I was functioning as an Advocate at the District Bar. I was in the court attending to some case. When I was coming back, the peon of the Court called case. Asha Rani vs Rakesh Chand. I stopped and asked the peon whether he called the name of Rakesh Chand. He confirmed. I came back in the Court and wanted to see that Rakesh Chand. And when Rakesh Chand entered the Court and presented himself before the Court, it was the same Rakesh Chand which was in my mind. This Rakesh Chand was the son of a person Jaigopal who was known to me. That Jaigopal had died about two years back and I could recall that I attended marriage ceremony of this Rakesh Chand at that time Jaigopal was alive. Within this two years period this marriage case was present here for Divorce.

Without waiting for taking up the file by Court, I humbly prayed, I want to mediate in this case. I hope I would be in a position to settled thing right. ‘Respected Additional District Judge had a look at me and keeping in view my age and seniority at the Bar, he immediately pronounced that I may take the parties outside the Court and come back after lunch break. I asked both the parties to come out and even the bride Asha Rani followed me. She recognised me because after marriage, we had invited them to a dinner at our house and we have given heavy items of shagun to the bribe. The sister of Asha Rani was accompany her. Both asked me to go their counsel. I followed them and we reached the Chamber of her Counsel. That advocate was a close friend of mine and when I told him that this Rakesh Chand is very near tome and I would try to settle the case outside the court, he did not object.

Both the parties were sitting before me. From the side of bribe Asha Rani and her elder sister were there and from the side Rakesh Chand only his mother was sitting there. I put up the first question to Asha Ran, “Asha Rani, what are your demands? If those demands are fulfilled you could withdraw this divorce petition. “she immediately started with her demands,

“I have got only three demands. First I cannot stay in the joint family. My second demand is that my husband should deposit all his salary with me after getting payment from the office and my third demand is that as and when he wants to help his parents, that help should go through me and on all occasion when he want to meet his parents, I should be allowed to accompany him. “I had been writing these demands one by one and I counted that these are four demands and not three. I had a look both at the faces of mother and the son Rakesh Chand and without having a verbal reply from their side, I immediately said, “Asha Rani, all these four demands are accepted. “I forwarded the paper before Rakesh Chand who signed the same and then I got signature of his mother too. I also placed before Asha Rani the paper, who read it and then signed. I got signature of sister of Asha Rani. I took all of them to the Court and placed before the Court the agreement duly signed by the parties concerned. The respected Judge read the same and had a smile at his face. He initialed the paper and asked the reader to put this paper in the concerned file. Then the Court said, ‘It shall be better that before this petition is disposed of, separation and shifting of house hold effects should be completed.” The court gave three days time to the parties and also asked me to help the parties.

On the next day I came back with the parties and informed the Court that shifting had been arranged yesterday and the couple has started living at new place.

I come back from the Court with both the parties and blessed the couple. Many years have passed. The couple is having three or four children and are carrying on well. Even the parents never came to me with a complaint. On very small things the family was breaking away. I had been told that the couple remained together only for those separations and divorce proceedings. The bride could not adjust herself with mother in law, sister in law and brother in law. The bride was of the view that she had been brought up in a better family and the people in the house of her in laws were of the view that society standard clash and nothing more. But still I am proud of the fact that I could settle the dispute and this couple could avoid break.

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You may think that a divorce is just a matter of detaching yourself from someone that you used to be married to before. While this is true, it is also that a divorce can be a very painful process. If you think it is not why do not you try detaching your hand from your body? Your shuddering thats exactly how divorce should make you feel like you’re cutting a part of you away.

The effects of a divorce are varied and many depending on the people involved and the situation. They include;

Self centeredness:

Being a self centered person can drive your friends far away from you. When you talk only about yourself all the time and you don’t bother to inquire about how they are doing, you will no doubt be without friends soon.

Change of status:

When you get divorced, your status automatically changes. You become single again and that means no more double toilet sinks, or double beds, or double coffee mugs. It’s just you, yourself and well, you.

Divorce costs:

You will be faced with the prospect of spending money on several things during a divorce proceeding. The divorce lawyer’s fees, the real estate developer’s fees and a host of other fees will have to be taken into cognizance before a divorce proceeding starts.

Alimony payments:

If you are a man in the middle of a divorce, you will be expected to arrange alimony for your ex wife. This means that you are expected to support your wife through out her lifetime. This is usually the case as the law recognizes the woman’s needs and believes in equality.

Child custody:

Child custody is a vital aspect of the divorce that you should be aware of. You and your spouse will need to come to a decision about who takes the kids.

New life:

Expect things to be very different once you are through with a divorce. You will be single again and that will not be the same thing as being married.

Moving on:

You will need to move on with your life and adjust to all the changes a divorce will bring.

Location change:

Depending on who got the house, you may have to move away from your marital home and find yourself a new home.

Kids psychology:

No matter how hard they may be to hide it, kids are affected by your divorce. You may have to take your kids to see a child psychologist in order to prevent any psychological condition from occurring.

Shopping:

You won’t shop for two anymore after a divorce. You will save money because you will end up spending less than you used to and that can be good, depending on how you look at it.

Fear:

Fear is the most common effects a divorce can have on anyone. Fear can result from loss, anger, frustration and even unforgiveness. Combating fear after a divorce will be your main problem. You will have to believe that you can make it alone.

Low self esteem:

A divorce can cause you to have a low self esteem. A divorce makes you doubt yourself and struggle with insecurities and feelings of worthlessness. Talking with shrink can help you handle these emotions. As I mentioned earlier, the effects of a divorce vary from person to person. What maybe negatively impactful for you maybe positive for another person.