Getting a Divorce

So what is the most crucial secret you need to know to have a successful divorce?

It is the simplest secret, yet the most difficult one to master: Controlling your emotions!

I coach many women who just can’t seem to understand and follow this one piece of advice. Usually by the time they come to see me they have made quite a mess of things. I have coached women who have been divorced for years and still can’t control their emotions when it comes to their ex-husband!

Granted you are going through one of the most difficult times you will ever face in your life, and so you may feel angry, hurt, sad, and confused.

It will take immense stamina and self-control, but you must get—and keep—control over your emotions. Your ability to do so will affect everything from how you fare financially to how your children adjust.

Losing control and showing emotion is how you lose this war. Do not be fooled, divorce is a war. You need to prepare for battle and master the art of winning the divorce war.

How do you control your emotions when you feel like you just want to scream?

1.Do not speak to your soon-to-be ex-husband unless absolutely necessary. When you do engage in conversation, speak only about your children or other important issues. Control the temptation to tell him that he is an idiot or you hate him! When you feel that you want to say something derogatory, get off the phone or walk away. Remember self-control!

2.Resist the urge to spy on him, ask neighbors and friends about what he is doing, or grill the kids about his girlfriend. I have known women to make prank calls to their husbands, drive by their ex’s homes repeatedly, and do other crazy things that were used against them in a courtroom. One woman was actually sued because she wrote a nasty comment about her ex’s girlfriend on the Internet. She didn’t even refer to this woman by name, but the implication was enough for the judge to give her a guilty verdict and a fine.

3. Do not talk incessantly about your ex. You do need to talk to someone to let out your anger and rage, but limit your circle of listeners to a few good friends and family members. The clerk at the supermarket doesn’t need to know just what a jerk your ex-husband is! Anger is like a fire that needs fuel to grow. The more you talk negatively about your ex, the angrier you will become and thus increase the chance of losing your temper.

Overall, think about the outcome you desire. Do you want to have the judge presiding over your divorce respect you, or do you want to look like an angry, bitter wife who is out of control?

Most people lie in family court, which is why judges rely on their own impression of a couple to see if the husband or wife appears more credible. Your behavior outside of the courtroom is crucial. Out-of-control behavior will almost always wind up back in the courtroom and cost you dearly.

So see a therapist, meditate, do whatever it takes to gain self-control. This is imperative at every stage: when you are thinking about getting a divorce, during the process, or even if you are already divorced. Your ex-husband is not going to go away, unfortunately, so you will need to find a way to deal with him in a calm and dignified manner.

We all begin the divorce process convinced that everything is the other spouse’s fault. All of the pain is a direct result of their bad behavior. Your ex is acting in complete disregard for your feelings. If your ex would only behave the divorce would go more smoothly. That you might have a part in this mess doesn’t even occur to you. No, your spouse is to blame. He is one who cheated, lied, and betrayed you. How could you be responsible?

But when the dust settles you may start asking yourself some difficult questions. Was it really all your ex’s fault? Was there anything you might have done or not done that could have contributed to this divorce?

This is where it gets tough. No one likes to think that they were responsible in any way for the failure of their marriage. It just has to be your ex’s fault. Don’t you have that long list of sins?

How could anyone draw a different conclusion?

Chances are that in most ways you are right, and your ex is wrong. Some of his actions might seem unforgivable. So, after all of the stress, heartache, and pain, why bother to accept any blame?

If you look inward instead of outward, you will be able to take control. With this power you will emerge from your divorce with greater insight, and valuable lessons for any future relationship.

Only a victim looks at an ex-spouse and says: “Because of you I do not trust anyone. Because of you my life is empty. Because of you I am in pain.” In doing that, the victim gives her ex-husband a controlling power over her behavior. You are making your ex responsible for your life. In saying:

“It’s not my fault,” you are holding yourself back from the hard work of recovery. The longer you harbor this victim mentality, the longer you will deny yourself a chance at the life you deserve to live.

Don’t hide from yourself. Dig deep into the memory of your past actions. Look at them, learn from them, and let them go. Forgive yourself. Until you do that you won’t find forgiveness for anyone. Once you do it you might be pleasantly surprised that the anger you feel for your spouse is diminishing.

The willingness to let go of the past, and truly move on to a better place, is the key to peace and happiness.