Getting a Divorce

Divorce is an extraordinarily trying time emotionally, and it is easy to feel overwhelmed and neglect some of the practical steps for protecting and ensuring your financial interests when the divorce papers are filed. While you are trying to come to terms with the emotional separation from your spouse, it is important to start taking a look ahead at what you will need to do as a single entity to set up some independence financially for yourself.

If you have been “out of the loop” on finances in your marriage to this point, it is time to educate yourself. Don’t make the mistake of expecting that your spouse will have your best interests at heart, or will honor verbal commitments made at this time. Many times in divorce, the worst in people comes out and neither party feels that things are “fair.” This traditionally adversarial approach is still common and may be necessary if your spouse is truly unreasonable ? fortunately, if the split isn’t too high conflict, there are ways to make the process more cooperative, such as the model proposed by collaborative divorces. Regardless of the approach, there are 6 strategies that can boost your financial security moving forward:

1. Hire an attorney. This is a wise recommendation if there are significant assets, property, and/or child custody issues that need to be resolved. Get referrals from friends and family, and speak to at least 3 before deciding on one. Make sure you understand all the options for pursuing the divorce process, including collaborative divorce, mediation, and traditional litigation models. Look for an attorney that encourages you to do more cooperating than fighting with your spouse, as this keeps those expensive fees to a minimum. Battles typically only result in more money for the attorneys.

2. Get a credit card in your name, while your credit is still combined with your spouse’s. This will help you in the future, particularly if you are the financially disadvantaged spouse and are not currently working, or making significant income, from your job. If one company turns you down, try another.

3. Make copies of all your financial records as soon as possible, to avoid the “disappearance” of needed documents later on. Make copies of bank statements, tax returns, W-2’s, pay stubs, loan information, insurance policies, car titles, 401K statements, investment statements, mileage plan statements, employee reimbursement accounts, property appraisals, and the like. Your attorney can give you a list of all the documents he or she needs to assess your full financial picture and to determine how assets are divided.

4. Open your own bank account in your own name, if you do not already have your own account. Put a stash of emergency funds in it. If you are concerned that your spouse will be “tipped off” or angry about you moving money into a personal account, try using your debit card for purchases and asking for cash back. Put this cash in the account, just so you have access to money in case your spouse tries to freeze accounts or otherwise block your access to joint funds. Just be sure to disclose this money when asked to by the attorneys to do so.

5. Create a realistic budget of what you (and your children) will need to live on. Include categories of spending such as mortgages, rent, insurance, utilities, car payments, gas, maintenance, medical expenses, HOA dues, property taxes, food, clothing, toys, and any other fixed expenses. Your attorney will likely request this information for the purposes of determining potential support.

6. Consult with a financial specialist. A certified divorce financial analyst (CDFA) or financial planner can help you understand the long term ramifications of proposed settlements and asset division, and help you understand what is in your best interest.

 I filed for divorce almost nine months ago.  Because my ex is a spiteful man, we are not officially divorced yet.  I’m sure once he gets over losing the best thing that ever happened to him, he’ll stop delaying the signing of the divorce papers.  But I digress.  I felt it was time to move on with my life and start dating.  Right off the bat I met a wonderful man.  Let’s call him Frenchie (because he’s French).  My friends and family marveled at my ability to snag such a great guy my first dating experience out of a 12 year relationship.  Frenchie was smart, had great taste in everything.  He bought me a book on our third date, always took me to expensive restaurants with white tablecloths, and surprised me with tickets to a sold out R.E.M. concert. I wasn’t particularly thrilled with going to see a band where the lead singer is like in his 50’s but ya know I was expanding my music knowledge. And I swear I was the only black person there but okay anything for my French lover, right?

He spoiled me, I adored him.  We met for coffee in the middle of the day, he’d email me funny jokes, and we talked politics while sipping wine.  I was in heaven.  Until he disappeared.  No phone call, no email, no text.  I called.  I emailed.  I texted.  Basically I stalked.  Nothing.  Finally there was an email.  I excitedly clicked on it expecting apologies, dinner plans, an “I’ve been so stressed out at work, but now I realize how inconsiderate I’ve been” plea. What did I get you wonder?

 I got “I need time to think this through.”  That’s what I got. Yep, that’s it.  Shocking huh?  To me anyway.  A girlfriend of mine who didn’t know my heart had been smashed to little pieces asked me “How’s Frenchie doing?”  My reply was a flood of tears and excuses about how he’s afraid of getting hurt again because of his divorce( which was over 3years ago!); how our relationship was so perfect that it probably freaked him out…you get the picture.  My girlfriend’s reply? Yep, you guessed it:  “Maybe he’s just not that into you.”

Let’s cut this sad story short.  He’s just not that into me.  (Read the book: He’s Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/He’s_Just_Not_That_Into_You ).

This is exactly the reason why I got divorced. My husband just wasn’t that into me anymore.  So why would I waste time with someone else that isn’t just that into me.  Why are you? Trust me; there are plenty of people willing to swim shark infested waters to bring you a glass of lemonade (thanks Dr. Laura!).  Why waste your incredible being on someone who won’t even call you?!

 Moral of the story, ladies and gentlemen, is that you have a lot to offer. Isn’t it time you demand someone who is worthy of what an awesome person you are.  You know you are.  You treat the one’s you love great; you should be treated great too!  You also know it was your ex’s issue with themselves, not you that probably facilitated why they just weren’t that into you.  You deserve the best!  I deserve the best!   Stop pining over that lost love, and realize they weren’t good enough for you.  And be honest…are you really all that into them now?!

Starting to date after a divorce can be difficult and awkward. This article offers dating after divorce advice to help you get over Mr. Wrong and start looking for Mr. Right.

Dating after Divorce Advice Tip #1: Be Sure You Are Ready to Date

Friends and family may encourage you to get right back in the saddle, but this may not be the right choice for you. Take the time you need to deal with the loss of your marriage. Even if you were the one who wanted the divorce, it is not unusual to experience some sadness and grief when the divorce actually goes through.

Dating after Divorce Advice Tip #2: Try Some New Activities

Meeting a dating partner can be difficult. Chances are the right person for you won’t turn up in the grocery store or at your hair stylist’s, and last call bar pickups rarely blossom into anything good. Therefore, you need to get involved in activities that will allow you to meet and interact with new people. Attend a church social for singles, for instance, or take a few classes at the community college.

Dating after Divorce Advice Tip #3: Take Your Time

Don’t think of each date as a desperate attempt to enter a new relationship. Think of it as spending time with someone whose company you enjoy. If a romantic relationship emerges, nurture it carefully.

Dating after Divorce Advice Tip #4: Kids

Your children do not need to meet every man that you date. You should only introduce a date to your children if the relationship has become serious. Beware of the date who wants to meet your family too quickly. He may need a reminder to slow down if he’s rushing things. Or worse, he may have an inappropriate interest in your kids. Since some pedophiles do scope out single mothers, it’s important to keep your radar up.

Dating after Divorce Advice Tip #5: Sex

If you’re used to having sex only with your (ex) husband, you may feel a little self-conscious and shy about your sexuality. Keep the lines of communication wide open. Try to tell your lover what feels good to you, and encourage him to say what feels good to him. If you’re nervous about saying the words, you can guide his hand to the place where you want it, or let him know with cries and moans that he’s doing a good thing. If you don’t want children, remember to use some form of birth control, and always use condoms to prevent sexually transmitted diseases.

Are you ready to get into dating after divorce? Friends normally try to play the best matchmaker and hook you up with someone sooner than you think. But then, your family would want you to stay single for a while unless they truly detest your spouse.  Once you are faced with that situation by your friends, you normally think that the first date is like going through an execution.  But you have to go through the fire as they said. But before you concur with your friends about your first date, there are a few things that you have to bear in mind.

First, Make sure that you are ready about it. Do not proceed to dating after divorce unless you are good to go. It is understandable that after that failed marriage, it takes awhile to get over it and the scar will leave you some trauma to get involve with someone else again. It is okay to sulk and even shed tears for sometime if you need to. Nobody can tell that you are already in the state of healing but you. Take your time to gather yourself and move on whenever you are ready to meet people.

The next time that I am about to say may surprise you, and perhaps you night say I must be insane, but hear me out because this might make sense to you. Never reject invitations for a date when the time is ripe for you to go out. Yes! But what I have just said does not mean that you accept any Joe Schmo or Bart Simpson that invites you to dinner or movies. But it will be a good start to accept a coffee date. This can be a form of training you back to dating again after divorce. This will give you ideas on what personality you would like to be with on formal dates. Be keen to your likes and dislike when you are with the person. Once you know your preferences, then it’s time for the next step, and that is to find them.

Going out to find a replacement for your ex husband is not healthy. Remember that your relationship with him was unsuccessful. Accepting numerous dates will open your eyes that there are still real and better single men, even successful rich single men. Meeting a lot of them will make you realize that you do not need to settle for less because the best is to be had. It is like you wanted to settle with an athlete then you go out with this football player who has an odor issue. That is foul, right?

Another thing is that, even if you are new to dating after a divorce, having more dates will help you regain your confidence. In time you will become joyful and well adjusted already. Happiness will change your outlook in life, once you are, the chance of meeting Mr. Right is wide.  Yet until that time comes, you have the choice to accept Mr. Right now or home alone every Saturday night. But before you choose the later, answer these questions truthfully. Would you rather opt to eat cheese noodles and do movie marathons every weekend while your ex husband is having fun? Do you like to just see his photo with a beaming smile on the Sunday paper announcing his new engagement? Do you seriously want that? I think you don’t.

The time frame of healing varies, not everyone can cope up at the same period. Others heal faster while some needs sufficient time. But the common denominator among them all is that dating after divorce is difficult. There are occasions that dates can be terribly bad and you just get discourage when you get home. You might want to give up and resolve to the idea that you will never be happy again. But the other side of the coin also gives you the good dates wherein you will just be filled with hope and even excitement as the night turns out to be close to perfect and the good night kiss gives you a reason to dream sweet dreams once more.