Getting a Divorce

You are likely to get different divorce advice when you ask for it, depending on who you ask.

You should be clear in your mind exactly what you want to know before asking for divorce advice. You will then know what questions to ask. Do NOT make the common mistake of not differentiating all the different divorce categories, as there are many different divorce categories to look for.

Mind Is Fully Made Up

If your mind is fully made up to get a divorce, however tough it may be, then the advice you seek should be relevant to getting a divorce as soon as possible. This will probably involve meeting with lawyers, so essential you have all the proper information to give them. He or she will then be better prepared to provide you with the proper divorce advice.

Not Sure…

However, if you are not totally sure you want to get a divorce you would be wise to talk to a lawyer or financial expert to ask advice about the financial implications. Divorce advice regarding the wellbeing of your children can usually best be obtained from specialists. Marriage counselors are best qualified to give you advice on every aspect of getting a divorce. It’s in your best interests to consult more than one person when you are seeking divorce advice.

When you are sure the divorce is agreed to by both parties, and will be clean and simple without any financial problems then such a divorce should not require any complicated divorce advice. Both parties will have already agreed to getting divorced, so should be emotionally well prepared, with no particular outstanding worries – only sadness. The kind of divorce advice under such circumstances would not normally have very great financial implications, and would probably deal only with a pre-nuptial agreement or even a mutually agreed-to divorce.

However, if you must get divorced perhaps the best divorce advice you can ever get is one which enables you to take care of all the matters on your own by talking to friends, counselors and family. Ultimately the divorce is your decision and only you should be able to think and act it out as best as you can. My advice: Try avoiding divorce at all, if you can, as often painful for all concerned!

st majority of men are unprepared for divorce. This is unsurprising as over 80 % of all splits are initiated by the women. As a result men are left without proper protection.

I shall now make 3 suggestions on how men could proceed with their divorce.

Option #1-get a Lawyer

This is the most common reaction. it has its positives but also some negatives. On a positive note, the male has a professional taking care of the case on his behalf. The male might well be unstable at this point and unable to fully immerse himself in the case. the professional can offer a tremendous helping hand.

However, there are some negative sides to employing a professional you should know about.

The divorce may well be messier than necessary. Lawyers are often paid by the hour. In might be in their interest to spice up the case. Either way layers are not cheap and this can create another huge problem for some men.

So what can men do to protect themselves if they lack the ability to employ a seasoned professional?

Option #2 Ask Friends

This is also pretty common. Asking friends and family members who have experienced a divorce what they should do.

I find this a very dangerous place to go. What makes these people qualified to offer advice that will effect the divorcee for years to come. Would a dying man seek medical attention from friend or from the highest level professional he knows?

You can not use laymen advice to deal with professional matters.

With this in mind, what can the divorcing man do to protect himself whilst saving money?

option #3 Seek Professionals online.

This route is getting far more common than you would imagine with the spread of information on the internet.

There are professionals out there who offer advice in written and audio format that anyone can listen to even at 3am in the morning. The material can be found either for free or at worse , for a nominal fee.

The advantage of going this route is that you can have the best of both worlds.You get expert advice from a professional whilst you do not need to pay huge amounts of money for it.

If having done your research you have a specific problem or issue, you could always then employ a divorce lawyer for that issue.Men also need to know what kind of lawyer to work with. Some lawyers could cause your divorce more problems than you need. it is important to choose your lawyer carefully.

Even though much of the information online can be found scattered around for free, many men find that acquiring a single resource saves them a lot of time surfing the net for information.

This is a personal decision.

A bad marriage can make parenting ? and life in general ? stressful. The loss of the family structure can be very upsetting and distressing for everyone involved in the major change.

Despite divorce being on the increase around the world, parents often feel at a loss when searching for practical support. They also feel overwhelmed, confused, afraid, resentful, or completely frozen in panic about how to handle the changes in their family’s way of life.

Sometimes this fear manifests itself as animosity, which turns the whole divorce process into a battle, with children trapped in the middle and feeling powerless.

Divorce needn’t be like this. Parents can make positive, healthy choices during this very emotional time and make the transition less painful for everyone.

Divorce isn’t about losers and winners. It’s about working out a way to handle the separation with dignity and compassion and minimising the disruption to your children emotionally. This article offers numerous approaches and strategies for making the experience of divorce as positive and healthy as possible.

Presenting a united front: Telling the kids

I’ve worked with many parents going through divorce and one of the main worries is how to tell their children about what is going to happen and what to actually say to them.

Children naturally fear that they’ll lose one of their parents in divorce or that their parents will abandon them. They also fear the changes and disruptions that divorce inevitably brings to their family. Children often blame themselves.

When a marriage becomes troubled, a couple often relies on old habits of interacting, which lead to fights rather than solutions. If those old habits didn’t lead to constructive solutions during the marriage, they’ll surely reap no better results during the divorce. You may not have been a united front while married, but you and your partner must take this opportunity ? for the good of your children ? to work together.

The following sections cover various activities I lead parents through to help them and their children cope with divorce.

Critical question

One of the let things I ask parents to do is to work out together the answer to this critical question: What are the key messages you want to convey to your children? Consider:

- Your child’s need to feel reassured that you will both always be his parents and be there to support, nurture, guide, and love him.

- Your child’s need to express himself and his feelings ? this may include silence,anger, denial, bravado, or pleading.

- You need to weigh up whether each parent tells each child separately, or all together. If you can manage to speak to them together, this gives and opportunity for them to see that you’re not blaming each other, that they don’t have to take sides, and that you’re both still there for them.

- Think about the sort of questions your children are likely to ask. ?Will we still see you and spend time with you?’ ?Who will take us to football training?’ ?Who will we live with and where will we live?’ ?Will we have to change school?’ ?Will we still see Grandma?’ You need to explain that at the moment you don’t have all the answers but reassure them that you’ll have more clarity and answers soon and they don’t need to worry.

From your child’s perspective

I ask parents to place a piece of paper on the floor, step onto it, and imagine they’re looking at the situation from the eyes of their child. I then ask them to answer the following questions as if they were their child:

- What do you see and hear around you at the moment? – How do you feel?

How could Mum and Dad make you feel better? What could they do or say?

Reassurances and guarantees

I ask parents to write seven reassurances and guarantees that they can honestly give to their child in a graphic wheel. The reassurances and guarantees are things that will help their child cope with the enormous changes that are coming.

Be honest ? don’t hedge around the difficulties. Don’t give false promises that you can’t keep because you destroy their confidence and belief in you at a critical time in your relationship. Give them information but not too much ? give details of things in the not-too-distant future.

Working together

I also help divorcing parents develop some co-parenting strategies. For example:

- Plan and agree on what both parents will say before they talk to their children. This helps to avoid mixed messages, which can confuse and really distress children.

- Look at the benefits of telling the children together or individually.

- Work on overcoming the ?blame’ mentally and the feeling that the divorce must be someone’s fault. – Look for ways to avoid making children feel that they must take sides.

- Try to take the emotional charge out of telling the children

- Help each parent gain more control over his or her distressing feelings and emotions during this difficult moment.

I think it’s helpful to remember that divorce changes ? but it does not end ? a family. Your children are now members of two unique and individual families with all the positive experiences that this can also bring to their lives. It’s about your positive and confident handling of the situation that will make all the difference.

If you are forced to divorce, the experience can leave you with feelings of loss, of crushed dreams, of vulnerability or you just might want to punch your ex’s lights out! The bombardment of all these emotions won’t serve you well while you’re divorcing. They might even weaken you.

If you feel weakened, you could fall prey to the dirty divorce tricks syndrome used by some attorneys at the behest of their clients who might also feel vindictive. And you could think that dirty divorce tricks is okay to use yourself. I don’t think so. Dirty pool has a way of hitting you where you are weakest.

You need a good attorney yourself. When you are emotionally bruised, you become subjective and won’t be able to see what’s being served up to you due to lack of objectivity. You need a support team on your side who can remain objective and serve your best interests and more importantly, serve the interest of your children. So hire a good divorce attorney who has a good reputation for fairness and good standing for his clients.

There are many articles in circulation that will tell you what those tricks are. Please go find and read those articles on the internet and inform yourself of some of the things that could happen. This article is not about that. This article is about your vulnerability and becoming stronger for yourself and your children.

When you are vulnerable and under emotional duress, your ex may try to take advantage of you. You will need a strong support team. I don’t mean a girlfriend who agrees with you. I’m talking about a mentor who can guide you through these vulnerable times so that you are not taken advantage of. It’s in your best interest to have as your support person someone who’s lived more years than you, who cares about you, and who can show you an objective manner of viewing things so you don’t step on the land mines.

There are things that you deserve according to the law. Your divorce attorney will know what they are. Do a bit of internet research so you are armed with the facts of what your rights are. Your attorney sees you as one of many clients and he or she is human. They might miss a detail. If you know what those details about your entitlements are, you can ask your attorney “What about this?” as a reminder to be sure nothing that you deserve by law is missed. Being informed is being armed.

When you have court documents that specify what the agreements are to be, stick with them. You definitely suffer from vulnerability if you believe your ex who offers you sweet deals that are not down on paper. ” If he’s willing to do x, let him put it into the court documents. Stick with the court decree.

If you have a tendency toward naïveté, work to correct this. The only way to not be naïve is to be informed. Learn all you can about the subject at hand. Consult with your Divorce attorney. Don’t agree to anything with your ex without this consult, particularly if you’re naïve. You need the assistance of your divorce attorney’s protection until you grow stronger yourself. If you’ve suffered emotional trauma that has left you feeling vulnerable and vindictive – and you now feel as if resorting to dirty divorce tricks is justified – you will need a strong skill set, a lot of knowledge, professional support but mainly, internal courage to face your ex down and get what you deserve by law. Don’t become a divorce horror story statistic.

ow that divorce rates are too high for comfort, but why? What gets between a devoted husband and wife that has the power to cause things to turn so sour? This article discusses the top 5 reasons couples get divorced. Having that knowledge gives you the power to nurture your marriage and keep it healthy!

Lack of Communication

One of the largest problems within a marriage is a lack of communication. Couples who are successfully and happily married converse throughout the day. While this communication doesn’t have to be a heartfelt, drawn-out conversation, it is vital to the marriage. By having this conversation, we are able to identify with our spouses. When this breaks down, whether it’s from hostility or the daily chores that come with life – we are no longer able to identify with our spouses in the way we need to.

Finances/Debt

This is another leading cause of divorce. Couples who have differences or problems when it comes to money are particularly vulnerable to divorce. When there is financial strain within a relationship, couples are stressed out, frustrated and may disagree on where the existing money goes. This is enough to break the bonds to a point where the marriage is ruined.

Infidelity

Whether infidelity occurs from sexual boredom or anger in a marriage, it is the most common reason for divorce. Often, even if it is a mistake and the cheating spouse wants to work things out, the victim spouse is unable to get over the hurt they have felt. Trying to keep things spicy in the relationship can really help prevent infidelity.

Abuse

Abuse is another common cause of divorce. Whether that abuse is physical, emotional or verbal – it happens more than we would probably like to think. Of course, if a person is abusive at all to his or her spouse, the spouse should leave right away. If anger or hostility is a problem, professional help may help salvage the marriage.

Instincts

Quite possibly the scariest reason of all is pure instinct. Humans biologically prefer to stay with one mate for around seven years before pairing up with another. In this case, couples may become distant, bored or uninterested in their spouses. Keeping things interesting, exciting and fun can help with this issue.

Knowing the top 5 reasons for divorce can really help you prevent these things from happening in your marriage. As you work to nurture your marriage and keep it healthy, keep these top 5 reasons in mind. When you actively work to prevent these problems, you will have a healthier, happier marriage.

u facing the threat of having your child taken away from you? As a result of divorce, and in the absence of strong, supportive evidence, the rights of the father are likely to be viewed as less important. It is still fairly common and accepted practice to give the mother preferential treatment in child custody cases. Furthermore, some judges believe that a child should always be with its mother and this practice is even more common when the child is a girl or preteen. Fathers who do not realize how important it is to fight hard when gaining custody may find themselves relegated to only getting to see their children over the weekend or worse once a month.

It is imperative that fathers do not allow themselves to get distracted when trying to get custody. Guidance and advice is available when you need it. Some fathers report trying to talk to their children during the custody battle and finding that the mother has worked to turn the child against them. Going so far as to encourage the child to disrespect the father, manipulate the child into not taking the fathers call and getting the child to badmouth their father in the courtroom.

Some fathers think that if they choose to allow the mother to gain full custody they can come back later in another year or two and then apply for split custody. Rarely, if ever, does it work out this way. In practise, your chances continue to reduce as the number of rounds in the custody battle increase. Once a custody agreement is originally worked out, the court is not as likely to want to change it for fear of disturbing the child and taking him or her away from a stable home environment.

Fathers, it is pivotal that you establish yourself before gaining custody, even before you file for divorce. Once you lose custody, you risk not getting to be an active role in your child’s life. You give your ex-wife control over when or if your child will be allowed to see you and will not have any influence over where your child goes to school, who they socialize with and date. These are important issues that a father should have the right to make decisions on.

Additionally, if you lose custody you can expect to pay child custody to your ex-wife. Fathers have even found that after gaining full custody mothers will take their child and move to another state making it almost impossible for the father to have any say so in his child’s life or change the custody arrangement. A vindictive ex-wife will not just keep the child from seeing the father. She typically bans the father’s entire extended family, leaving loving grandparents, aunts and uncles without any method of seeing the child as well.

When it comes to gaining custody as a result of a divorce, and fighting for the best interest of your kids, the best offense is a good defense.

- Choose a lawyer who specializes in the subject and educate yourself in advance.

- Learn what strategies and techniques mothers commonly use to win child custody and turn them to your advantage.

- Gather information on why you can provide a more stable home environment.

- Make sure that you are prepared for the battle to turn ugly, because it often does.

Fathers, it is obvious that in divorce and child custody the system is unfair to you. However, complaining about the system and being outraged over the lies said about you will not be of any help too you. Thankfully, the court system has begun to realize that fathers are just as important as mothers are when rearing a child.

Often the difference between gaining custody and not gaining custody is knowing how to make the most of this change in policy, and co parenting with your ex to make sure you and your child do not get wrapped up in the pain and drama that comes with divorce.

If your marriage has reached the point where you or your ex have decided that it’s time to move on without one another, you’re probably at a point where your stress levels are high, your feelings are hurt, and you’re looking for some sort of closure to the unhappy situation. Oftentimes, this closure is divorce, and the realization of what’s happening can be chaotic. This is when you’re most vulnerable to making the biggest divorce mistakes. Here are the top five mistakes that men and women make when filing for divorce and what you can do to avoid them:

1. Bringing a “Friend” Around The Kids Too Soon: Dating After Divorce.

It’s tempting. There is a new “someone” in your life who is supportive and you are grateful to have him or her in your life. Naturally, that means introducing him or her to your children, but don’t jump into this new family dynamic too soon. Children of divorce are frequently confused by this and it will most likely infuriate your soon-to-be ex. Give your ex some time to get over the end of the relationship so that it doesn’t cause problems with the divorce proceedings.

2. Taking Divorce Questions to Friends For Legal Advice.

If your friend is a divorce lawyer, this is the only occasion to ask a friend for advice about your divorce. If not, leave the legal advice to the divorce attorneys who know what they are doing and know the intricacies of the law. It’s like asking for medical advice from someone who isn’t a medical professional. You’ll get conflicting divorce advice from well-meaning friends, and it will drive you crazy because you won’t know what to believe.

3. Hiring the Cheapest Lawyer.

Trying to get a cheap divorce isn’t always the best idea. You’ll want a divorce lawyer that will spend time with you and answer your questions. If the attorney’s fees frighten you, talk to him about it and ask for a flat fee – and ask him to outline the services he’d provide for this fee.)

4. Hiring the Meanest Lawyer.

The meanest lawyer isn’t going to get you the divorce support you want. A good lawyer can be assertive and still get you what you want. Besides, mean, obnoxious lawyers tend to anger the judges should your case go to trial. Hiring a mean attorney could be one of the most huge divorce mistakes you could make.

5. Ignoring the Truth.

You’ve made the decision to go forward with the divorce. Now is the time to be honest with yourself and make some changes. You’ve got to face the facts: divorce as well as marriage involves learning your lessons for each experience. What you want to do is make sure that you don’t find yourself falling into the same patterns that got you here and making the same mistakes you made before. Honor the truth you really

There is no doubt that divorce is at an all time high. However, you need not to go with the flow. Remember that marriage is considered a very sacred relationship by all religions in the world. There are some reasons why one comes up with a divorce. Unfortunately, most of them decide to split up just because of some unimportant reasons. Some may want to get divorced because they feel that they cannot pay attention to each other because they are too busy to keep in touch. Some may feel that they cannot go with their couple anymore since there are too many differences between them.

Whatever your reason, do not get easily divorced. Try your best to save your marriage since it is once what you were looking forward to. You must have sacrificed many things for your family so far. If that is true, why do you make up your mind so easily to get divorced? Besides, you surely remember what you have promised to your couple the day you were about to marry him/her. Would you break your promise just for inconsiderable reasons?

So, do not waste your time and save your marriage now. In fact, there are some simple steps to save it. First, try to figure out the main problem of your marriage. In doing so, you have to put aside your ego first since it is may be you that become the problem. Now, keep calm and take your time to contemplate what has gone so far. There must be a way out to solve this problem. Second, communicate the problem with your couple. Sometimes, the problem is just merely misunderstanding. Third, try to always keep in touch with your couple. Remember that you have to always keep your temper and try to digest the philosophy ‘the higher the tree the harder the wind blows’. In other words, if you are looking forward to a perfect family you will encounter many problems in achieving it.

Want more tips and advice to save your marriage?

Click here http://MarriageExpert.net/

You never thought this would happen to you; when you signed the marriage certificate and said your vows in front of your friends and family; when you walked down the aisle in your stunning white dress and kissed your husband at the altar; when you danced your first dance as man and wife and enjoyed the luxuries of being a honeymooner, you never thought it would end like this. And now it has.

Divorce is never the preferred option but in some cases it is the smartest and only option left in a marriage. In fact, in one in two instances, divorce is the outcome. This does not mean that the marriage was a mistake- in fact, you should never think of a marriage as a mistake. It was a learning experience, a big part of your life, and a beautiful proof that it is possible to love and live in wedded bliss, even for a short period of time.

After the papers have been signed, the finances agreed on, the house sold and the custody battle completed, it is time to move on. However, this is easier said than done, especially from an emotional perspective. Your self esteem is most likely as low as it can go. However, it is possible to use the time after the divorce to boost your self esteem to new heights. Put past those feelings of failure and disappointment that have most likely been plaguing you long before divorce was even as issue. You need to let go of that negative energy and see yourself in a new light.

Moving On

One of the main reasons why divorce is so difficult is because there are all these negative feelings circulating in your head- fears of being boring, unattractive, unloving, uncaring and unbearable are common thoughts with devastating consequences to your self esteem. You need to shake these bad thoughts away before you can move on.

Self Esteem Boosters

First of all, do something for yourself. Go shopping, get a makeover, visit a spa- now is the time when you deserve to makeover your body, mind and soul. To boost your self esteem from the inside, consider joining a support group or talking to someone about the divorce in therapy. This can help you come to terms with what happened and help you get rid of that negative energy.

Getting Out There

Instead of heading straight back into the dating scene, why not concentrate on things you enjoy. If you love reading, why not join a book club? If you love cooking, why not join a cooking class? Do those things you’ve always wanted to do but never did because weekends were spent with your husband. You never know, your new found hobbies may actually lead you into the dating scene. And, if not, you will most likely reconnect with yourself and raise your self esteem in the process.

Call to Action

Awareness is the first step. Become aware of those self-critical thoughts that make you feel bad and depressed. One way you can do that is by writing on a yellow sticky paper “what am I thinking” and put it on your mirror or on your car’s dashboard. Each time you pass it, ask yourself, is my current thought making me feel bad? And then consciously change it to a better-feeling thought! Yes, it is doable.

© Vanaja Ghose 2009

This month I have been working with a wonderful group of parents who are all going through a divorce and one of their main worries was how to tell the children about what was going to happen and what to actually say to them.

Children naturally fear that they will lose one of their parents in a divorce or that their parents will abandon them. They also fear the changes and disruptions that a divorce will inevitably bring to their family and they often blame themselves.

One of the key things I ask parents to do is to sit down and to work out together the answer to this question:

What are the really important key messages you want to convey to your children?

I ask them to write on a piece of paper their child’s name and to put it on the floor and as they step onto it imagine they are looking at the situation from the point of view and perception of their child.

Next I ask them to answer these questions through the eyes and ears of their child:

* What do you see and hear around you at the moment?

* How do you feel?

How could Dad and Mum make you feel better – what could they do or say?

I ask parents to draw a circle and put in 7 spokes like a wheel and to write in the wheel 7 reassurances and guarantees that they can honestly give to their children that will help their child cope with the enormous changes that are coming.

We work on how both parents can agree on what to say before they talk to the children. This helps to avoid mixed messages which confuse, upset and really distress children greatly.

We look at the benefits of telling the children together and we work on overcoming the “blame” mentality and the feeling that it must be someone’s fault. We look at how to avoid the children feeling that they have to take sides.

We also look at taking the emotional charge out of telling the children and help each parent gain more control over their distressing feelings and emotions during this difficult moment.

It is certainly very worthwhile and positive to stop and step back from your current situation to gain clarity, direction and certainty in the decisions you are taking towards handling the difficult and painful area of divorce or separation more confidently.