Getting a Divorce

elationship Advice – How to Make Yourself Irresistible

I’ve learned a secret about what’s going on 99% of the time when someone is not giving you the respect, admiration, or love you want. It’s a secret that probably not in 1 in 1,000 people will ever figure out on his own.

Think about the last time you felt unappreciated at home or work. Didn’t at least part of your distress stem from the fact that you had no idea why this person wasn’t responding to you?

I think the reason why we don’t figure out the secret to making ourselves irresistible is that it’s the opposite of what we’ve been taught about relationships.

Let me explain…

Most of us are taught that when a relationship is struggling, we should be extra nice, thoughtful, and giving. These are wonderful qualities, and we should all strive to have them. In my view, these qualities enhance all relationships.

However, they are usually not the key to getting respect, appreciation, or love from people who are withholding it from you.

The Circle

In Stop Your Divorce, Homer MacDonald explains the metaphor of the circle. Take out a piece of paper and draw a circle in it. Then, put the initials of the person you’re seeking appreciation from in the middle of the circle. Now, put your own initials outside the circle.

Here’s how the circle works.

Whenever you are inside another person’s circle, this person has trouble connecting with his respect, admiration, or love for you. In the extreme, he may even develop contempt for you.

Whenever you are outside his circle, he appreciates you. He is attentive and considerate. He goes out of his way to connect with you.

The key to making yourself irresistible to someone is to stay outside his or her circle. The circle applies to all relationships: your friends, your lover/spouse, your co-workers, and your children.

How We Get Inside the Circle

We get insider another persons circle by sucking on his energy in conversation. There are many ways to do this, but the top four are: being clingy, being controlling, being passive, and being critical.

Here are some examples of how we drain other people of energy:

1) We talk too much. Many people over-talk and cannot seem to stop this annoying behaviour. Picture James Bond, 007. Can you imagine him over-talking?

This says, Please give me your attention.

2) We talk about ourselves in an effort to impress people.

“You work for Microsoft? I know their Vice-President of Human Resources.

This says, Please give me your approval.

3) We act victimized and cold when we think some is not giving us the time or attention we think we deserve. We say things like, I just want you to put in a little effort.

This says, Please show me I’m worthwhile.

4) We are overly giving, and set aside our personal needs. I’d really rather go somewhere else, but it’s no big deal.

This says, ‘I want your approval so much I’ll put you ahead of me. Now, in return, please give me appreciation I want.’

5) We criticize people in an effort to control them. Why don’t you get a job at the golf course this summer? It’s better than being on MSN all day.

This says, Please turn into someone different so I can feel good about myself.

6) We become clingy and dote on people with over-the-top affection: You’re the most magnificent woman I’ve ever seen, and I can’t believe how lucky I am.

This says, I’m not sure I’m worthy of you.

When we drain people of energy in these ways, we get inside their circle, and they gradually stop pursuing us for time together. This hurts our confidence, because we do not know why we are being rejected.

The beauty of the circle is that you can always jump outside it and become irresistible again. The other person will immediately appreciate you more, and you will feel a dramatic boost of confidence because you are more effective in the relationship.

Confidence Exercise

For the next three days, I want you to carefully how much energy you seek from others in conversation. Try initiating less contact with others and see if they seek you out. Beware of trying to impress others; cease all attempts to control others. Do not criticize them, either. Do respond to the overtures of others in an interested way.

Visit us for more relationship advice, tips on confidence, and success.

Your friend, Lisa Lane Brown

PS – My book, The Courage to Win: A Revolutionary Mental Toughness Formula – How to Master Yourself to Make More Money, Fast Track Your Career and Win in Love is now available. The book ships immediately–and if you order now, you can get my CD, The Courage to Win in Relationships: How to Make Yourself Irresistible with FREE shipping.

Anyone who has experienced divorce can tell you first hand it is one of the most stressful events you will ever face. That is especially true for those who are also parents. The day to day challenges of parenting are significant enough without divorce and the challenges that come with attempting to recover from such a significant loss complicate the parenting process for everyone, including those who are normally less impacted by stress issues. Stressed parents find they are less tolerant, irritable and angry, depressed, and down right miserable at times. The good news- you can do something about it if you find yourself in that boat.

Stress is normal part of the divorce process. In fact, stress is commonly under identified by divorcees as the primary reason for difficulties. Too often, divorcees focus their attention on anger and sadness issues, rather than identifying some pretty simple things they can do to deal with stress. Understanding how stress impacts you, your ex-spouse, and your children can help you to appropriately and effectively navigate the divorce process.

Stress is basically our reaction to change. Yes it is more complicated than that, but at it the core of almost all stress is change. First of all, there are times in our lives when we should be stressed. Those times usually revolve around significant life changes such as death of a loved one, job changes, moves, change in normal routine, health related issues, and change in family make up. Obviously, divorce can bring some or all of these changes to the table. So, it makes sense that stress plays a vital role in the entire divorce experience.

Recognizing what is happening with you, your ex, and your children can help you to choose the proper approach to dealing with things. When significant change enters our lives, control becomes an important part of the equation. When we feel out of control and powerless, stress levels tend to rise, and frankly there are few life situations outside of divorce where you will feel more powerless. Naturally, when a person feels out of control, they often attempt to control something or many things. Often, divorcees and children in divorce attempt to control what is happening around them, and very often they attempt to control other people.

Do not under estimate this control issue in your own levels of stress and that of other people involved in your divorce. Divorced parents frequently attempt to alleviate their stress by controlling their ex-spouse or children. And very often, the reaction to these attempts to control is negative.

If you want to immediately reduce your stress try this: Sit down at your kitchen table with a note pad and list 10 things you can absolutely, without doubt, control right away. For example, you can control what time you get up each morning. You can control what you eat. You can even control whether or not you allow yourself to get drawn into an argument with your ex. You can control whether you set yourself up for an argument with your ex or not. You can control what you watch and the type of people you surround yourself with during this crisis. I’ve given you 6 things to start with that you can control. Add 4 to this list and you are on your way. Or come up with 10 of your own. Even small things can make a difference when combined with other things. Once you have a list of things you can control the next step is to follow through. A list alone will change nothing. But, if you work toward controlling those things on your list, you are on your way to successful stress management.

Controlling what you can will make a difference. The more things you put together, the more control you feel you have of your life, even when a lot of big things are outside of your control. So, the next time your ex is doing something you do not like, your attorney fails to return your call, and your child refuses to follow your instructions, take a moment to control some things you can control and your stress levels will inevitably feel drop. The biggest mistake you can make is attempting to control things that are outside of your control. Recognize those things that are beyond your power and do not attempt to change them, you will have more success when you are realistic about what can be controlled and what cannot.