Getting a Divorce

Children coping with divorce have difficulty because their perceptions of reality are forced to change. To understand their challenge, I have created a concept to help children and parents visualize the dilemma they face when confronted with these changes. It is called the “Lifeline;” that is, we live on a continuum which begins at birth and ends at death. Wherever we are at on the continuum, we tend to base our present beliefs and our future expectations on our past experience. Thus, we lead our daily lives needing the security of our past perceptions.

For children who are born into relatively healthy homes, life patterns are learned from their family and environment. They learn to anticipate tomorrow’s outcomes, based on today’s experience. The evidence from the past provides them with a picture of what will come next and makes them feel secure. When divorce occurs, they cannot incorporate the new information into their secure picture of the future. They feel at first as if they are floating aimlessly without an anchor.

Although there are healthy ways to tell children about divorce, children’s Lifelines are compromised as they receive this new information. Children’s past perception – that their mother and father loved each other – is called into question. Their assumptions that they will continue to live in their home with their parents, is altered. They feel like they have nothing left to base their now on. Thus parents need to help them regain their base and rebuild their Lifeline.

Following is a conversation you might have with children to help them cope:

Reconstruction of the Lifeline starts with a simple drawing. Draw a straight line ________ with an arrowhead on the left side > representing birth and an X on the right side representing death. Explain, “We don’t know how life will play out anymore than we know the end of a story in a book or movie. But generally we have a beginning,” you point to the arrow, “and an end,” point to the X.

Then draw a dot on the line, “Let’s say this is where you are on your Lifeline. You live everyday with an understanding of your world based on what you know about how things work in our family, at school, with friends, and in your activities.”

“When we told you that we were divorcing, you might have felt scared. You might have asked yourself, did mom and dad ever love each other? It could have made you question your past and feel that what you believed to be true just wasn’t true.” Then erase the line to the left of the dot. “It might have made you feel that your past wasn’t really true.”

“And I’ll bet that you also might have felt confused about the future. You have always lived with us in the same house and community. And you probably can’t imagine what it would feel like if it were different. So it feels like your future is unknown.” Then erase the future line. Add, “I understand that it might feel like everything has changed. The past doesn’t feel the same because you question what you thought. And the future doesn’t seem the same because we will have two homes and mom and dad won’t be married.”

Finally you can help your child redefine and redraw the past. “Yes, it is true that much has changed with the divorce. And sometimes when we have something big in our lives change it feels like everything is different. Let’s take a moment, however, to look at what stays the same.” Draw a staggered line – - – - – from birth to the present. “If we look at the past, we can be sure that mommy and daddy loved you. And we both loved each other for many years. We know that Grandma and Grandpa love you. Can we be sure about that?” A child might say, “Yes.” Then draw a little bit more of the lifeline. “We can also agree that you have many good friends at school and that you like many activities. We could agree that we’ve had good vacations too. We like our community and we live in a nice neighborhood where you have enjoyed playing and running around with friends. Am I correct so far?” Draw a bit more of the staggered line. “Okay, now you draw in more of the past and tell me about it?” As she tells facts about her life, she draws in more of the Lifeline. Although the line is never perfectly solid, she begins to visualize that even though her parents are divorcing, not everything is lost and she feels a bit more steady.

Now you help her redraw the future. Say, “If we were to look at what does not change in the past, then what do you think will carry over to the future?” She might say, “I’ll still have my sports.” And you say, “Yes, you will. So let’s draw some of that in.” And she continues to list those things that will remain the same. Some children will remain in their home and at their school. They will have the same friends and activities. These are anchors for children coping with divorce. As the child draws in more of the Lifeline from present to future, she gains stability. You might say, “It’s true that we cannot control or predict the future and this might make you feel uncomfortable. But we always have things that remain the same in the face of change and those things can make us feel safe and secure.”

Although some children need more in depth processing when faced with their parents’ divorce, many children respond well to the Lifeline framework. It gives parents and children a common language.

Marriage is described as the personal union of individuals where you vow to love honor and obey, but sadly for reasons that are personal to the individuals, marriage often breaks down, bringing in grounds for divorce.

Divorce is based on state law so depending on which state you live in you may be filling for absolute, limited or no fault divorce. In the state of Michigan the divorce law that is most commonly seen is a no fault divorce. This type of divorce doesn’t require any proof of fault from either party involved; all you have to do is demonstrate that the relationship is no longer viable. Common reasons for no-fault divorce include incompatibility, irreconcilable differences, and irremediable breakdown of the marriage. This type of divorce can be forced on the non-initiating spouse even if it is against their wishes.

In order to start a divorce procedure in Michigan you must live there for 180 days before you file your complaint for divorce. If you are the spouse that initiates the divorce procedure you are known as a plaintiff. If you are the spouse who doesn’t file for divorce you are known as the defendant.

So how long will a divorce procedure take within Michigan? If there are no children involved in your divorce procedure then it is estimated your divorce procedure will take 60 days to complete. If there are children involved then you cannot be granted a divorce for at least six months. It should be noted that these times are just a rough guide and more often than not these times should be doubled.

A divorce is based primarily on a lot of documents that are needed in order for the divorce procedure to begin. The first of these documents is known as a summons; this is a document that notifies your spouse that a divorce procedure has begun and that they have 21 days to respond. Once the summons has been sent you will move onto dealing with the complaint, which is the document that officially starts the divorce and contains numerous details such as:

• Yours and your spouses name, including maiden names

• The names and date of birth of any children that you have

• When and where you were married as well as the date of your separation

• Your length of residence in the country and state

• The grounds for divorce

• Detailed of any property

After the summons and complaint has been served to the defendant it is the defendants job to file an answer to the complaint; if this happens the answer is filed and the divorce case becomes contested; however if the defendant fails to deliver a reply to the complaint the case becomes uncontested. Another option that the defendant has after receiving the complaint is to produce a counter claim, which the plaintiff then has to answer.

Once the complaint has been sorted you will move onto trying to come to a settlement. If a settlement cannot be reached the case will then be tried. After this comes the most important document to do with your divorce; the judgment, your final decree, which is what grants you your divorce.

The one piece of advice that I can offer you when it comes to obtaining your divorce, whether you are the plaintiff or the defendant is to find a good divorce attorney as they will be able to help you with all aspects of your divorce, especially if things start to become difficult.

After a divorce children and the family need time to recover and heal from the painful emotions. If a divorce has taken a long time to become final, the people around the divorced couple as well as the couple need to have a cooling off period.

You might after some time decide to date and see new people. It’s a good idea to take your time before getting into another serious relationship; many people need to grieve the loss of the old one before beginning a new one. Children especially need the time to get used to the idea that their parents are no longer together. Seeing a parent going out on dates might be painful at first, especially for young children.

Once you find a new love in your life, don’t introduce your children or family to them too soon. They will need to get used to the idea that you are moving on from your marriage and are ready to date again. Children will need the time to get used to you seeing other people and to understand that it’s ok. Most children want their parents back together and might try to make this happen.

Once the child accepts that the divorce is final and there is no chance for you to get back together, only introduce those you date whom you are serious about. Having the child meet a never ending list of dates can get confusing and some kids do get attached to some of them. It can be hard on them if the person they may have come to depend on or like having around is no longer there.

Once you have introduced the children, make sure you spend time alone with them. Children need to feel like they are special to you and they are the most important thing in your life. Outings to their favorite places or just spending time at home watching TV or reading together is a good way to show the kids you still care.

With family and friends it can be equally difficult to introduce someone new. Most couples have mutual friends and family members might still be close to the ex-spouse. Your friends might feel uncomfortable in seeing you with someone new, especially if they feel loyal to your ex.

Taking the introduction of a new love into your life slowly is the best way for everyone. Don’t expect your children to love your new interest as you do, at least not at first. They may grow to like or even love them eventually – but this will take some time. Family and friends will come around in time, but don’t expect them to accept someone new right away.