Getting a Divorce

Divorce proceedings will be hard on both the man and woman involved. However, if one is able to look at things clearly and calmly then this will help to ensure that things get dealt with not only more quickly but more fairly. In this article we offer some divorce advice for men that may prove useful should they be faced with this particular situation any time in the future.

Tip 1 – Sometimes a divorce may not be an amicable one and therefore if you find it difficult to remain civil towards your wife at these times use a lawyer or other professional to act as a mediator. This way they can look at your situation with a more objective eye and come up with a solution to your problems that will satisfy you both.

Tip 2 – To avoid having the proceedings drawn out over any period of time you must keep things as simple as possible. Although you may find it difficult don’t argue every point that your wife raises, but instead let go of those small matters which really aren’t going to be of any benefit to you. Not only will the courts see how willing you are to accept things but will ensure that the divorce is finalized far more quickly.

Tip 3 – If you have children with your wife then don’t forget to take into consideration how they are feeling about the situation. If any arguments arise concerning your children then ensure that these do not take place within ear shot of them. Along with placing unwanted pressure on your children you may find that the fragile relationship you already have with them will disintegrate altogether.

1. The Last Resort

You should consider a divorce only at the time when everything else that you have done to try and fix the relationship, has failed. It is a serious step and do think about it well before you decide to go ahead. When you file for divorce, it is basically a step that involves notifying the judiciary system that you wish to dissolve your marriage. It only means that you feel you cannot resolve the issues that you are facing with your spouse. So you need to file the summons and the petition at your county court. After you have done this it is the responsibility of the court to decide upon the hearing date. You can only filed for divorce in a court located in the same county that you currently live in with your partner. It is going to be time consuming to go through the divorce process so do be prepared. There are many issues that will be brought up regarding the separation and sometimes it can take months or even years until they are resolved. Be open minded during this process-unnecessary and egoistic arguments will only prolong the agony unnecessary. When you can resolve an issue amicably do so by all means and save yourself the trouble of having the court decide for you. Keep in mind that you are here to better your life. On the other hand sometimes you need to leave it to the court when your spouse demands unreasonable conditions. The judge in the court of law would hear both sides of the story, and keep paying hard evidence in mind, decided what is best for you, your spouse and children if any. If you are looking to hurt your spouse in court it is probably not going to happen as the courts do not take sides.

2. Get a Lawyer

Do consult the services of a good lawyer if your case is complicated. When you are represented by the trained attorney you stand better chances of stating your case perfectly. We feel it is absolutely necessary for you to hire a lawyer if your spouse has done so already. Obviously you will want most questionable factors to be decided in your favor and getting a good lawyer is one step in the right direction.

3. Don’t let it get messy

The last thing anyone wants is alone messy divorce case. Keep a positive attitude and do not try to hurt your spouse unnecessarily-it will no doubt cause you some hurt as well and moreover it will cost everybody involved a considerable amount of time. And then it may lead the judge to believe that you are a morally lowly person, and that won’t help your side of the story too much. Go through the procedure calmly and smoothly and get it over with. Then you would be able to begin a new and happier life.

As a family-law attorney for over 35 years, I can tell you that the secret to a successful divorce is to minimize your involvement with the legal system and to avoid using lawyers who work in it. Where one spouse is a controller abuser — 5 to 10 percent of all cases — this advice does not apply, but for everyone else, going to an attorney as your first step is the worst thing you can possibly do and court is the worst possible place to settle divorce disagreements.

Here’s why.

To get a divorce, you need to tell the court how you will divide marital property and whether there will be spousal support. If you have minor children, you must also tell the court how they will be supported and parented after the divorce — the visitation schedule. That’s all a divorce is about.

If you can be sure your spouse will not come to court to oppose you on any of these matters, all that’s left is some paperwork to get your judgment (decree in some states). This can be done inexpensively in California or Texas by using Nolo’s “How to Do Your Own Divorce” kit. In other states, you can get it done for a few hundred dollars by using a divorce typing service or by shopping your easy case around to various attorneys until someone gives you a fair price.

If your spouse is in the picture and cares about the terms, then you need to work out a written agreement on property, parenting and support. There is software to make this easy for you. Once you have an agreement, finishing your case is now just a matter of paperwork and can be done for a few hundred dollars as described above.

Inability to agree is almost never about the law, almost always about personalities and emotional upset. If you can’t agree, you don’t need a lawyer; you need a mediator or a collaborative law attorney. If you still can’t agree, you don’t need a lawyer, you need an arbitrator.

There are absolutely no solutions for personal problems in a lawyer’s office or in a courtroom. In fact, the legal system is almost certain to make things worse. This is because our adversarial legal system is based on argument and conflict, where one side argues, fights, and struggles to win, to beat the other side. This is a terrible way to settle family disputes. It increases conflict and expense, greatly increases the time it will take you to rebalance your life, and reduces chances for cooperative parenting.

Before you retain an attorney to represent you, remember this simple equation: “The more trouble you have = the more money your attorney makes.” This is not a good basis for a smooth, successful negotiation.

Many attorneys become so frustrated with the legal system that they leave litigation behind in favor of more constructive forms of practice, such as mediation and collaborative law. These are both discussed below.

Better alternatives

Self-help. The things you can do to help yourself are far superior to anything an attorney can do for you. Specific steps you should take depend on your situation and are discussed in detail in my book, Make Any Divorce Better. If you follow my advice, things will get better soon.

Get organized. Before you can get advice, work out an agreement, or decide what you want and what is fair, you need to organize the facts and documents in your case. You will need to do this sooner or later no matter what, so why not do it yourself for free instead of paying a professional hundreds of dollars an hour to help you do it? Inexpensive worksheets are available to help you make this task easy. Doing this work won’t take long and it will help you understand your case, clarify your thinking, and make clear what questions you want to ask of an attorney, if you decide to see one.

Get advice. After you’re organized, if you have questions about the law in your state you should seek advice from an attorney who mostly does family law mediation, very little or no litigation. This way, you are more likely to get neutral, useful advice that will lead to solutions rather than court. Be sure to ask if the laws of your state are such that you can predict what any judge will order based on the facts and issues in your case. In most states, the outcome of any case is highly unpredictable, which is one of the reasons that a settlement by the parties is far superior to taking a chance on what some judge might decide, a stranger who does not have more than a few minutes to try to understand your family and the facts of your case.

Get help. If you and your spouse can’t work out a written settlement agreement on your own, you have two good alternatives.

Mediation. If both sides agree, you sit down with a mediator who will help you work out an agreement. Mediators are trained to help balance bargaining power, keep communications on point and useful, prevent bullying or abuse in the negotiation, and help the parties find common ground and eventual agreement. Mediation is usually very effective.

Many attorneys claim to mediate, but you should look for a family law specialist who is primarily a mediator, someone who does very little or no litigation. There are also some excellent non-attorney mediators but in general these are best used when the issues of your case are limited to personal discord and parenting. If your case involves money, property or support issues, you’d be better off with an attorney mediator who can bring knowledge of state law and local judges into the discussion. Ask if they do that, because many mediators will not bring in legal information even if they could, preferring each party to have separate counsel, something that greatly increases your cost.

Collaborative law. A collaborative law attorney represents you and speaks for you, but they enter into a written agreement with the other side not to go to court to solve problems. Instead, they concentrate on negotiation and mediation. Depending on your case, they might form a team with an accountant, therapist, child specialist, or financial planner. This approach only works if the party and attorney on the other side are willing to enter into this arrangement. Collaborative divorce has a good track record and even with all the professional services it will still cost less than a court battle. This is a new but rapidly growing subspecialty, so there may not be any collaborative lawyers near you. Go on the Internet and search “collaborative law” plus the name of your state or city, or call the local bar or other attorneys and ask if they know of any collaborative divorce lawyers near you. When you talk to one, find out how many other such cases they have conducted.

© 2008 Ed Sherman

Author

Ed Sherman is a senior partner in Sherman, Naraghi, Woodcock & Pipersky and a family law attorney since 1967. He founded Nolo Press in 1971 with How to Do Your Own Divorce in California and forever changed the way legal services are delivered through his many books on divorce, creation of the independent paralegal movement, and co-founding of Divorce Helpline. He has made it his life’s work to help people keep their family problems out of the legal grinder — our adversarial court system.

DISCLAIMER: The following is NOT legal advice, nor is it a substitute for legal advice. If you are in Family Court you will need legal advice, so please see a lawyer.

The worst Christmas that I ever had was watching Godfather III in a theater after handing over the kids at 4:00 p.m. to mom the first year that we were separated.

I thought to myself I have never had such a low moment in my life. I know she felt the same way the year that she handed them over to me at 4:00. So, we managed to do it year to year. It was not perfect. Ultimately, we had to get really, really creative. For example, we would celebrate Christmas early. I mean the kids love that! You need to be creative.

When we would say, “Oh well, it is December 23rd. Let us have Christmas today.” We just surprised them, just bring it on them, and we would have such an amazing time just simply because we did not get stuck in the idea that it had to be a certain way.

For those of you on the call, I mean I really do hope that you get to see your kids over the next few days, but if you do not, the presents that you have bought and if you have not bought any yet, be sure to even though you think you might not see your kids go and buy a present. Wrap it up. Get a nice card and put it away.

If you see little Johnny, I am just going to say Johnny from now on because it is sort of a basic name, if you see little Johnny in March, you know what? You can put your Santa hat on and you can say, “You know what, Johnny? I have been waiting for this since December 25th. Ho-ho-ho, it is Christmas.

Let’s go see what’s left under the tree.” You can have Christmas anytime. Your son or your daughter will be blown away that you never forgot them because they may have been told something else by mom. This is proof to them that you did buy them a gift and that you did not forget them. It is still sitting there waiting for them. Here it is, March, June, whatever month it is later on in the year, okay. So, I want to encourage you to do that.

In my experience, I had to learn to let go of the idea the it had to be perfect and I clung to the idea that I had to create happiness for the kids and myself and my mother instead even when she was giving me a very, very difficult time.

I struggled with that to the best of my ability. It never was perfect but we do have happy memories as a result more often than not. One of the things that I have come to realize over the years is now that we are empty nesters, our kids are 26 and 21. Life is not perfect. I raised a stepson and a daughter and they are making their own life in the world and we are going to have to begin the process of sharing them with their new partners and girlfriends and boyfriends and wives and husbands and someday they will be having their little kids and we will be grandparents.

And there is going to be other extended family members. We are not going to be spending every Christmas with them anyway. This is all part of the process of life is that you have got to learn very often how to let go in different stages. The thing that I found as both the child of divorce and as a divorced dad is that things do ultimately equalize.

Why? It is sort of like adopted kids. They want to know where they come from. They want to know who they are. They want to know everything about themselves and if you have not been involved for a significant amount of time, you will often find that your kid as they get older will want all that knowledge.

And that is a GREAT Christmas gift to give your kids the lack of pressure to be with you. Recently our daughter told us about Christmas at her Grandma’s, my ex-wife’s mother. Now Grandma is getting older, she’s not going to be here forever, and certainly I’ll be here longer than she will be. So I understand and appreciate why our daughter likes to spend Christmas with her.

But as in every family, sometimes it can be difficult for any number of reasons. Our daughter was upset over something someone in the family said about me, and it was not her mother who said it. In fact she defended me according to our daughter. And she shared that what went through her mind was that she had sacrificed Christmas Day with me to face this bit of unpleasantness.

Now the word sacrifice is significant.

That’s what happens to kids in these situations they have to sacrifice. That’s just not right. Which is why I make the sacrifice knowing full well how difficult it is for them, so I try to make it easier.

That way I make Christmas and Holiday Access Nightmares More Manageable for the kids through my example. It’s a gift that’s hard to give, but it is one with deep feeling and meaning, which I know will pay off huge benefits down the road, because I intend to be around for many, many more years to come!

If I put the kids into a pressurized, guilt ridden situation how would that make them feel about Christmas? Even sadder I imagine. It’s hard to be a kid in a divorced family this time of year. Do what you can to make it easier for your kids they will love and appreciate you in an entirely new way.

If you have not noticed, many embattled couples are opting for DIY or do it yourself divorce. Having limited finances is the primary reason why people are finding this option quite attractive. In other cases, a general mistrust of divorce lawyers and their “tactics” are making couples feel as if they can handle their affairs better on their own, and with less money to squander away too. Others simply dread the courtroom drama ala TV and movie production. Do it yourself divorce can be accomplished, even by people who has very limited knowledge of the law. Other advantages of DIY divorce include: having the last say in all legal matters; little or no expenses when it comes to legal representation; a quiet settlement without all the drama; and of course, less emotional and mental strain on all parties involved.

Additionally, some companies that offer DIY divorce kits have complete forms that can be downloaded online anytime. This is more convenient that going to the local or nearest divorce courts and asking for official forms in person. However, a DIY divorce kit is not a guarantee that things will go exactly as planned, and that this procedure will be as easy as pie. Needless to say, divorce never came with a guarantee tag or a certificate that ensure that things will become easier afterwards. Assuredly so, you will be facing some rough waters in the future, but these kits may offer you a bit of help in steadying your course. Here are some other truths when it comes to doing the legal procedures of divorce on your own.

A DIY divorce kit is not synonymous to a lawyer’s degree. At one point or the other, you would need a legal representative to consult. You do not have to retain the services of a full time lawyer, but you may want to avail of legal aid if only on a consultation basis. Ask your potential attorney if he or she is willing to offer a pre-paid legal plan (also called un-bundled service.) Here, you basically do most of the paper work and legwork like filling in forms, submitting documents, following up on your spouse’s files, etc. This will help you save other thousands of dollars in billable time.

In turn, your attorney could act as your mediator, set up meetings with the other party, schedule a date with a judge at a court law, and advise you on technical matters if there are complications along the way. Here is the clincher, though: a DIY divorce kit will only work if you and your spouse agree to a mediatory divorce, and that you are willing to learn some basics when it comes to divorce laws. But if you or the other party plan to take your case and present it out in court, it would be wiser to hire the services of a professional – and make that a very well referenced divorce lawyer at that. A divorce court judge may just turn the tide of favor over to your spouse if you present a sloppy case.

We often get asked this question: “Gee, can you just walk into a family court and watch?” You can. Some procedures, you can. There are other procedures that you cannot. Anything that involves any kind of child services, where there is some sort of abuse or things of that nature, those types of hearings are closed to the public. It would only be the parties involved, but if anything, there are motions and other types of procedures that the public is welcome to attend.

It is an excellent place, first of all, to get to know the judges in the area that you live. One day you may be in front of one of those judges. If you are not involved in the case and you are just watching it as a participant, it is not like watching Judge Judy on television. You are able to at some point be able to predict how Judge Judy will rule on a particular case because she becomes quite predictable.

Judges that you would be watching in the courtroom are much the same. Imagine if you already knew ahead of time when you are going into court and you are in front of a judge that you have been watching and all of a sudden you start to see something happening and you can predict now, “Oh, my God. He did the following when somebody reacted a certain way, so I’m not going to react that way because it was a negative outcome.”

It is an excellent place to start training yourself and get a clearer picture of who you are up against. It is also a great place to find a good lawyer because you are actually seeing them in action. You can also whittle away the ones that are not working too well for the people that they are representing.

I think too is that you are going to see fathers who lose, and you are going to see fathers who win. If you see some fathers who are winning, you should be buying them a cup of coffee and pick their brain for their successful strategies.

Most fathers do not talk to one another, they are going through the Family Court / Divorce process in isolation. Most people who are successful, as soon as they got out of the court system, they are done. They just want to forget about it and they do not share that knowledge and because they do not share that knowledge, that knowledge is not necessarily widely available or is not widely available as it should be, but the thing that you have got to keep in mind here is you got to ask yourself the right questions, sort of saying, “Geez, I don’t believe anything could be done about this situation.”

You have got to ask yourself the question, “What can I do about this situation?” Then you got to get busy starting with going into family court, getting on the internet, going to a site such as ours and looking for resources. If you’re not in Ontario, Canada, you certainly can be going on to the web in your local state or your province or the jurisdiction, the district that you are living in. You’ll likely find information about family court, family court procedures, the law, and you can begin learning this piece by piece. The things we teach are very common sense ideas that don’t require you to understand the law, but how to best position yourself within your facts; how best to persuade others in position of power be it a Judge or a Custody & Access Assessor.

It is not that you will learn it all instantly or that you will become a lawyer as a result, but you will have more knowledge than 95% of the people who walked into court with a lawyer.

Very often, one of the things, clients say to us about their former lawyers: “You know that lawyer was absolutely useless for us. He didn’t say this and he didn’t say that.” Well, that comes down to, if you got 50 clients on the go you cannot possibly remember every fact that you are going to argue about for your client. It’s important to work as a team together to reduce overall legal costs.

The vast majority of clients cannot pay for days of studying and researching a case. Most cases do not require that depth, because they resolve in predictable ways that lawyers and legal professionals see every day. This is known as case law or precedent. These are previously decided cases that illustrate legal principles, usually that have made their way up to the appeal courts. And the lower courts, including Family Court are bound by such decisions to an extent

A good advocate is going to be educating his client before Court. They will also include the client in at certain points the discussion with the judge in order to speed the process up. If you got an ineffective advocate, he is not going to be doing very much, just sitting there and essentially letting it all happen. This is another big complaint that we get from a lot fathers is “my lawyer did not do anything.”

So, this is why we say you have got to become an active participant in the process. You have got to become educated about family court, learn that court inside out, learn your judges, learn the law, learn the procedure, learn where the photocopier is, learn who the good clerks when you file are and learn who the bad ones are, just stay away from them because you cannot even have problems filing your paperwork.

When you learn the ropes in Family Court, you improve the odds immeasurably for yourself. Especially if you’ve exhausted your finances and you find yourself without any legal representation.

In the many years I’ve helped fathers, the ones who have the most success are prepared through self-education. And its very satisfying when I hear that a Divorced Dad wins in Family Court without a lawyer, against his ex-wife’s lawyer who thought the divorced dad was a “know nothing”.

The truth is this: When you’re up against a know it all lawyer who sees you there without a lawyer, they let their guard down and get sloppy.

And that is where a HUGE advantage lies for you, if you do the work we suggest above.

Some people asked me if the process I developed to help people have a very happy marriage will work for everyone. What a loaded question! That’s like asking if the manual you got with your computer will work for everyone. The answer is no. The answer is yes. If you don’t read the manual it won’t help you one bit. But if you read it and follow its instructions, there is no reason why it shouldn’t work.

We have grown up in a society that takes great pains to teach us how to use a computer starting in the second or third grade, while life skills such as communication are not discussed at all. Educators say these skills of life ought to be taught by the parents. I agree, but where are the parents going to learn? Learning how to be married by learning basic information about human nature and human interactions should most definitely be taught at the school level, along with scientific information about diet, exercise and other basic requirements needed by every individual.

By the time people have fumbled around in a marital relationship and are looking for divorce advice, they are discouraged and confused. But the most simple advice for those who have children is, don’t do it if there is any way at all to avoid it. If there’s any way to save your children and your selves from the horrors of divorce, go for it with everything you have, and please don’t try marriage counseling. For the vast majority of people, it doesn’t work.

If you must divorce after you have tried everything to stay together, by all means be the best person you can be in order to preserve what is left of your relationship. Some people actually get along better after they are separated. For your children’s sake put their needs ahead of your own.

Avoid lawyers if you can. Avoid psychologists if you can. Try your best to find a mediator who is neither a psychologist nor a lawyer but is capable of understanding the financial and legal ramifications of divorce. It is not rocket science, although those in the system would like you to think it is even more complex. Keeping peace and harmony should be your highest priority. And remember, no matter how you’re feeling, tell your spouse, “I love you.”

Going through a divorce should not feel like you are reliving World War 2 it is an unfortunate part of life that many of us will go through so being prepared is paramount. Keep on track it should not be the only thing on your mind 24/7. You still need to go to work and look after yourself mentally and physically each day.

Tip 1

Try to rise above confrontation and arguments with your ex, you have both made the decision to go ahead with the divorce so keep focused on achieving what you have set out to do. Once you have found a good lawyer it is important that you spend time with them to establish a trusting relationship. You will need to be very open about recent events and your financial status. There will be many questions that you need to ask so that you have a confident understanding of what is going on and what to expect in court. It is a costly exercise hiring an attorney so make sure you are getting your money´s worth.

Tip 2

Be careful not to turn to alcohol or food for comfort as this will only result in making yourself feel worse and possibly making mistakes that you will later regret. When we drink too much we can say things that we don’t mean. Be aware of who you are talking to, someone who was a mutual friend could turn behind your back so you need to be clever with what you say. It may be a good idea to see a therapist as you can get things off your chest without worrying afterwards if what you said was the right thing to say. They can also offer you good advice on how to deal with your emotions during this difficult period.

Although lawyers and therapists come at a price they are a beneficial asset to have in the long run. They have already dealt with many cases prior to yours and having experience on your side is a must.

How you carry yourself in court may play a major role on the results of your divorce settlement. Just the same as any court proceedings, it is very important that you think about what you say and do in court. Even though everything may not go your way when dealing with different issues, such as dividing the property, it is very important that you have the upper hand during most of the court proceedings.

Prior to walking into the court room, it is extremely important that you and your lawyer discuss all the details and work out as much as possible with your spouse’s lawyer first. Normally this is done in what is known as the early settlement panel or mediation. This panel will be done in a court house and the people who need to be there are you, your soon-to-be ex-spouse, and both attorneys. Family law attorneys hear both sides of the divorce settlement allowing both counselors go over the division of the property, the marital dept which was accumulated, as well as other issues which may compromise the marital settlement agreement. This procedure can be very helpful since it will allow most of the problems to be settled between the couple prior to a judge hearing the case. In some situations, issues can be taken care of as well as agreed upon prior to even entering divorce court.

We have seen the majority of cases on T.V. or in movies were couples come into divorce court and, after all is said and done, the “good spouse” wins. Realistically, this is not actually the case. Judges have the right to make their own decisions in regards to the case, and those decisions may not always go your way. During the process of a divorce settlement, keep that in mind because it will help you to carry yourself properly and conservatively in front of the judge even if the case doesn’t go your way. The hardest time to do something like this, of course, is when there are kids involved. When a judge makes a decision regarding child custody visitation rights, it will be based on the evidence your lawyer puts forward and also the laws governing your state. A lot of times judges will make their decision regarding joint physical custody based on their personal feelings. It is essential that you go to court with an open mind and realize that anything can happen.  The outcome can go either way.

You need to ensure that you are totally ready before even entering divorce court. Besides presenting yourself professionally attired, it also means you have gone over everything with your attorney. You will be informed if the possibility arises that you will need to talk in court. If you have made the decision to speak, make sure you go over the rules of acceptable behaviors which are required for the courtroom, such as saying thank you to the judge for allowing you the opportunity to state your point of view and calling him or her “your honor”. It is also extremely important that you follow the lead of your attorney and do not say anything bad to your spouse. It may be necessary to take notes for your attorney during the proceedings as they might be unable to do so while speaking with the judge on your behalf. Lastly, if custody and visitation rights are at stake, kids should never be allowed in the courtroom. It will only cause things to become worse, and could get in the way of the judge’s decision in the final stages.

There are times that court proceedings will be very short, while at other times court proceedings can last months at a time. A good way to keep the proceedings short is by consciously thinking of your actions at all times during the court proceedings. You need to go in realistically thinking that it is possible the judge may not rule in your favor; this way you can maintain your composure throughout the process with as few scars as possible. Being totally different than celebrity divorces shown on television, divorce issues regarding average couples can be completed quickly and with great accuracy and little arguing. Remembering the correct rules that are acceptable while following your lawyer’s lead will be of great help toward your overall experience.

DISCLAIMER: The following is NOT legal advice, nor is it a substitute for legal advice. If you are in Family Court you will need legal advice, so please see a lawyer.

Winning in Family Court Requires Clarity, especially when you are a divorced dad.

The first step to winning in is to clarify and define your goals. If you don’t define your goals, someone else will, and you could end up with results that you probably won’t be happy with. Remember this: Your child needs you more than ever. Being a winner means making peace for your kids, even when it hurts. So, plan with your end result in mind. You do have options and you do have rights.

The words Fathers’ rights are not dirty words. Fathers are natural protectors of their children. Men can be good parents, and they have a right to be treated as good parents in the court system. But you have to act that way. People are not what they say, they are what they do.

I have seen really good men and women who struggle to be the best parents they can be under the difficult circumstances of separation, divorce and the costs of enormous legal fees in Family Court. And I’ve seen plenty who can’t afford a lawyer.

But ask yourself no matter what gender you are – don’t you want to be with your child? Haven’t we raised the awareness of equality issues to a point where young boys who grew up in the last four decades expect equal treatment? Fathers, once they enter into Family Court, are under constant assault. You need a new set of skills to deal with these problems.

For example, men fail to recognize that when a woman makes the decision to go to Family Court, she didn’t make it overnight. Usually, she has made it over a long period of time.

The unfortunate ugly truth is this: When you’re a man served with Family Court papers, you’re soon to be ex is not “your best friend” nor does she need to be rescued from her perspective. If you don’t understand that and you try to “rescue her, you could find yourself facing a restraining order.

Find some people who have already been where you are who can explain things to you, who can mentor you, guide you, and coach you. And who have found REALLY GOOD lawyers.

Your children deserve a family at peace. As parents it is your job to provide that. Your child has the right to your love and protection. But also recognize that justice begins in your heart, mind and soul. It’s not often found at the end of a Family Court judge’s gavel. Sadly, litigation is part of the equation…

Never let anyone tell you that you are no longer a parent to your child because you’re a Dad. The most important part of finding your direction is to find out where you are so that you can begin to move forward.

Be observant enough to recognize when things are going poorly in your relationship with your child’s mother. Get the help necessary to plan an exit strategy well before Mom out maneuvers you to your child’s great disadvantage. Act with Clarity; Begin with the end result in mind.

Learn how to wage peace on behalf of your child during great provocation. It’s an easier skill to acquire when you don’t deny the reality of your situation. Accept that you have rights too.

During my divorce, I wished for a divorce roadmap. That’s why we created a weekly telewebcast, to help men like yourself.

If you’ve lost in Family Court, don’t give up. There is always hope. You’ve likely lost because you didn’t understand that winning requires effectively “waging peace” for your children.

If you base your game plan and strategies upon those of successful fathers, you will improve your chances of success immeasurably. You need help from dads who have done what you are trying to do.